Chris Grainger: 1:38

Welcome to the Lion Within Us, a podcast serving Christian men who are hungry to be the leaders God intends you to be. I'm your host, chris Granger. Let's jump in. All right, fellas, this is your meat episode. Let's get right into it, okay? So Scripture of the Week this week is in the book of Jeremiah, chapter 20, verse 9. It says but if I say I will not mention his word or speak any more in his name, his word is in my heart like a fire. I fire, shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding holding it in, indeed, I cannot. So, guys, beautiful scripture. If you haven't had a chance, go back and listen to the spiritual kickoff episode. It'd be one episode back in your podcast feed where we really try to take this verse here and simplify and apply it to your walk. Okay, and again, we do this every day, monday through Friday, within the Lion Within Us community, big part of what we do to try to encourage you in your walks. If you need some daily encouragement, and you know you do, head over to thelionwithinus, because that's how you get connected with us. Okay, guys, all right. So we had a fun guy that's coming in here.

Chris Grainger: 2:41

Dr Greg Stewart lives in Rockwall, texas. He is a full-time telehealth counselor, executive coach, consultant. Amazing guy, tons of experience and background. He actually has his PhD in counselor education and supervision. He's been to seminary. It's just a fun story with him. He talks about some of his books. He's writing around IQ, but really talking about unlocking the inner strength behind our negative emotions. And I don't know about you, but as a guy I struggle with this. This is something that I'm constantly working with the negative emotions that just keep festering and building up, and building up, and building up. You know what comes out? It's usually lash. It's not very good. What comes out. Dr Greg talks about this. So it's a fun, fun conversation. Hopefully you guys are going to enjoy this one with my friend, dr Greg Stewart. Well, greg, welcome to the Lion Within Us. How are you doing today, sir?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 3:37

I'm doing great, sir, and how are?

Chris Grainger: 3:38

you doing, I was doing good. It's a beautiful day, so where's home at?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 3:42

for you, rockwell Texas. So if you know the I-30, i-30 goes right downtown Dallas and downtown Fort Worth. So you take I-30 about half an hour outside of downtown Dallas, right there in Rockwell Texas. Beautiful area.

Chris Grainger: 3:58

I love it, love it, love it. That's great. Well, love to know, before we dive into anything heavy here, what's something fun about you that maybe not many people know about.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 4:09

Something fun about me was I can go through the story, but I was basically we're empty nesters and I just had my first, our first grandchild, born on February 1st.

Chris Grainger: 4:20

So that is beyond fun it was a little boy or girl.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 4:24

Little boy, he's Dean Mylon Stewart, so my son's son, and the middle name Mylon was named after my grandson's great-grandfather, my grandfather. So, yeah, it's just beyond honoring and beyond beautiful.

Chris Grainger: 4:40

Love it Legacy. Are they close by? Yeah?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 4:44

so, yeah, we're in Rockwell and then my kids, like, live in Aubrey, Texas, which is north of Dallas. Okay, but we're all in roughly the same area. My wife and I have seven kids. Between the two of us We've got a few kids up in Arkansas, but we've got one boy in Austin, but the most of us we got a few kids up in Arkansas, but we've got one boy in Austin, but the most of us all of them are right there in the Dallas area. So we're trying to get our Austin boy up here, even though he loves Austin. No Arkansas kids down, but Arkansas is beautiful too.

Chris Grainger: 5:11

That's really cool. So it's a big family, sounds like.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 5:18

Yeah, my wife came in with four kiddos and I came in with three. Now people say, wow, seven kids. But it's not like they're all preschoolers running around. I just basically her, my wife's youngest daughter. I was with her. You raised her the last six years when she was like from 12 on. So right, but really, and we had some kids live with us for a period of time here and there, but it's not like we had seven preschoolers running around. You know that'd been a bit much.

Chris Grainger: 5:42

Yeah, that would add to the stress, I'm sure. Well, I'm excited. Thank you so much for joining us today. You know you took a lot of effort in putting your book together here about the inner strength behind your negative emotions. Just curious what led you to even wanting to venture down the path of writing this.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 6:00

So I'll kind of give you the background story, because at the end it leads into it, but it only takes a minute or so. So I became a Christian when I was a kiddo, like a lot of us did in junior church. I'm from Michigan originally, so go blue, yeah. So my parents were going to church, which meant I quit going to church and then did the proverbial party hearty teen years and then suffer the consequences from those years and then recommit my life to Christ and then landed back at the same church. I became a Christian. I was a kid. Well, I felt called into the ministry.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 6:31

So I went on a summer long missions trip in South America. I went to a Bible institute for a year but then came back and then I was back in the day, like in the 90s when the adult and continuing education program started, like the adults of us who had like 160 credit hours but no bachelor's degree. So they say, hey, go one night a week for a year and you'll get a degree. So I got my organizational leadership. So I needed a bachelor's degree because my plan is to go to seminary and love the material. But I wanted to get onto seminary. But my first semester in seminary, uh, was kind of like a defining moment. I took philosophy of counseling okay. So my eyes were open on two things. One is how powerful the material could be used in ministry. But secondly I started to realize how many issues I had right. So I mainly mapped out a dual master's degree, got my, my MDiv, in three years and then got on my, got my MA in counseling. But in between that and the year 2000,. Actually Y2K. Another defining moment it's when I started number one teaching as an adjunct professor in all the organizational leadership courses I took in an undergrad and fell in love with that topic. Secondly, I came across the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, written back in 95. And that is the book that popularized EI. But number three is I was underneath a pastor who loved the Lord with all of his heart, prayed all the time, read the Word of God. But it was a crisis for me because it's like he, but he had so many like emotional struggles and I couldn't reconcile that. So after I got my MA in counseling, I actually became the senior pastor of the church. So I was at the same church. I got saved as a kid for 15 years youth associate and senior pastor. It was just a blessing beyond blessing.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 8:10

And then in 2005, I started my PhD. So I got a PhD in counter education and supervision, but I did my dissertation on the relationship of emotional intelligence with job satisfaction and organizational commitment. And then I moved from Michigan to Texas in 2012, and I was at a company for three years flying around the country doing organizational strategy, met with senior leadership teams as a consultant and coach, loved it. But the company got bought out and about 80% of us got laid off. So if you've never been laid off before, it's an incredible experience, right Sarcastically. But then I worked at a residential treatment center.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 8:46

Now, with all that success, my book I've been wanting to write for about 20 years. But the actual the I cubed piece I've been wanting to write for about 25 years. But out of all that success, chris, what the dark stain that turned into God working was in 2011, I have an emotional affair Right, which simply means I didn't do anything physically with the guy, was just all emotional and my marriage never recovered from that. So I went through divorce. At that point I began a 10 year healing process. That's been.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 9:16

There's a lot I talk a lot about in the book that's been. There's a lot I talk a lot about in the book. But the book because I, after my in 2020, during COVID, I transitioned from the residential treatment center working with teenagers to doing what I'm doing now, which is I see, you know, all telehealth about 40 clients a week or so and do some executive coaching. But it's really this book and my second the book after that was IQ for Couples came out of that journey and so it's just I say to clients that this book is about Greg, you know, along with all my cycle, babble, techniques and stuff, walking through my own journey, and that's kind of where it culminated and the Lord gave me a chance last year to write and it came out in November.

Chris Grainger: 9:56

Wow Well, thank you so much for sharing I know it's a lot.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 9:58

There's a lot there.

Chris Grainger: 10:05

There's a lot. There's a lot there. There's a lot there too, for sure. I mean, I don't know what you're comfortable with sharing, only only, uh, the emotion. What did you say? It was the the type of affair. It wasn't a physical affair, it was a emotional affair. Is that emotion?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 10:11

just like relational, like I just like fell emotionally and I you know just texting conversations and different things. It wasn't, it wasn't even sexual in the texting conversations, it was just emotional and just a lot and just completely inappropriate because I was a married man, right. So yeah, I talk about in the book. So on that whole healing process, um, and I work with a lot of couples with you know, trying to heal from affairs and stuff, and even with my divorce and stuff, and I wrote my book, iq for couples, my marriage counseling, and the effectiveness of it has triple quadruple because you know I've been there, I know what what makes a marriage like fall apart. So yeah, I mean I'm open to sharing because the goal is for all of us, regardless of what the hurt is, is to be able to say that I'm stronger now than I've ever been. Right, I wouldn't wish that upon anybody. I'm stronger now than I've ever been.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 11:02

So my journey with men, with couples, is to give them hope, like there's a lot of pain there, but the whole subtitle of the book unlock the inner strength behind your negative emotions. I said this is a journey, so you've got to, you've got to walk into those negative emotions because that's where the Lord wants to meet you. Yeah Right To do the miracle. Yeah Right To do the miracle, right. So then your shirt says but God, so story, story, story. But God, even though I was dead in my trespasses and sins. But God, even though I had an emotional affair, my marriage fell apart, but God, that's the story.

Chris Grainger: 11:33

Love it. Love it Because I know there's lots of guys I talk with Greg. They flirt with that that side of know. Well, I'm not she, I'm not physically doing anything, I'm not cheating, you know, and they justify that with pornography or or different areas as well, and I'm like, look, guys, it's you have to be super careful because you're opening up a can of worms that you're not prepared to to deal with. And so it's just. I'm encouraged when guys like you are just bold enough to share the truth of what actually happened.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 11:59

Yeah, absolutely, and with all that stuff, I hope guys in pornography too. It's just as far as there's. I think there's two decisions we need to make as Christians. One is the decision for salvation, to accept the gift right and it's a gift right. Do you want salvation? Believe in the blood of Jesus. You're going to heaven.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 12:18

I think that the second decision we need to make and I know there's some theology here, but it's the decision for it to be a disciple, the decision to make him your first love, the decision to leave all and follow him, because Jesus said you need to first sit down and count the cost of what this is. So that's why I think it's a second decision and in that second decision of making him your first love, it I think it's a second decision and in that second decision of making him your first love, it's if you're like the show of the chosen that's out now. That's just phenomenal. If you're walking with the Lord Jesus like as one of those disciples. Would you participate in any of this stuff? Of course not Right. So it kind of is a slam dunk on what is the right thing to do. As far as purity Flee, also youthful lusts.

Chris Grainger: 13:01

Yep, right, the discipleship piece is huge, greg. That's an area we talk about a lot in the land because I feel like that's just a stumbling block for many churches not all churches, but many just really struggle with that discipleship component. We're really worried about getting to salvation, which is obviously important, really worried about getting to salvation, which is obviously important. But walking with someone you know, jesus talked to the masses, you know, but he was he, he really discipled his 12. And just curious, from your standpoint, do you see, what can we be doing to be leaning into that discipleship you know more intentionally, Right so.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 13:37

So if I may, I'm going to first approach it from a from a counseling. I was like using psychobabble Cause I. So, if I may, I'm going to first approach it from a from a counseling. I was like using psychobabble because I get the that stuff, especially when it comes to guys. So in the first chapter of my book I talk about that.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 13:46

Everything we do is trying to achieve an emotional goal, right? So just let's not be afraid of emotions. We have them. So the emotional goal is like is good. So there's micro emotional goals, and then there's macro. The micro one is I, I feel micro emotional goals. And then there's macro. The micro one is I, I feel thirsty, so I don't want to feel thirsty, so I get a drink or feel hungry, so arrested.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 14:05

But it's really about the macro emotional goals, the macro emotional goals that every human, this is good, it's it's good and the way god created it is to increase our quality of life in three ways increase our standard of living, which is big for us, live our values, values and fulfill destiny, calling and purpose. And those macro are always in our periphery. So one is just to validate and just recognize, build self-awareness around the emotional goal we're trying to achieve. And for guys, the major emotional goal we're trying to achieve is significance, honor, respect and any synonym. So number one it's we have to evaluate whether it be that or something smaller, like I want to relieve stress. We have to evaluate the path we take, the behavioral path, the choices we take to achieve the emotional goal. In simple business, we all know that if I'm trying to decrease stress in my life and I take the pathway of drinking you know it's five o'clock somewhere and drinking alcohol every day, I use the four words rational, healthy, wise and right. So we have to kind of assess whether our path fits those four things rational, healthy, wise and right. Right. So that's one analysis. So we drink alcohol. It's not rational or healthy, wise or right to take that path to achieve a mental goal.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 15:15

But secondly, and more importantly, is, when our emotional goals are blocked, what's our response to it? So I use this analogy of you know, kind of picture, the house of our heart behind us, and this is every human in disguise, and we're standing on the front lawn of that yard, of our yard, trying to guard our heart. Right, we do this and in front of us are all the things that are triggering us with the negative emotions, whether it be our spouse, our kids, our job, whatever the case is. So that's not again. It's rational, meaning that, like, if you said something to me, you insulted me or whatever, did your mama joke, whatever? So on a scale of one to 10, how big of a deal is that? Well, most of the time it's like a one or two, right?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 15:55

But first thing I want guys to notice is the inflation. So most of the things that are creating the negative emotions whether it be, you know, anger, stress, whatever most of the things are at a one or two. But we are at a six, seven or eight of negative emotional energy. So if I'm upset with my spouse, then the one or two might be a thing I need to address with her, burn that emotional energy to address it with her. But the six, seven or eight inflation is not her issue, right? So I have to turn around and walk into the house of my heart and all the rooms I use as emotions like. The first room is insecurity. Then there is anxiety, stress, anger, depression and so on.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 16:39

So in that first room of insecurity for guys, I tell the story when I was again from Michigan. I worked at a hamburger joint, like a lot of us did, when I was 14 years old, and we were all friends there. But, chris, I used to be a super sarcastic teenage guy, right, but you can tell I've matured, right, just validate me, right. So one time I teased this girl so bad, I made her cry, and while she's walking away crying even worse, I yell out. You wouldn't get so ticked off if it wasn't true. But right at that moment another defining moment because I turned it on myself and I said, oh my gosh, greg, every time you get upset or defensive or, you know, ticked off, that somebody insulted you, there's truth to it. Then I started observing everybody saying oh my gosh, anytime we trash talk one another, there's got to be truth to it, or else it won't work. So good thing, guys, is that we have insecurities, which means what? There's something we don't like about ourselves which is not bad. There's always thing, but that's not the issue. The issue is we don't want to point out or exposed, right? So that's the big deal.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 17:42

So then, when it comes to three reasons for the inflation, one is we believe lies. We can believe a lie about ourselves and, like I say satan. You know satan's got one tool. He doesn't have a toolbox, he has a holster. And those lies come in the form of me, he, we lies about myself, lies about god or lies about our relationship ever since genesis 3.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 17:59

So the first step in decreasing negative emotions is emotions don't produce themselves. They come from sentences of interpretation in our mind. This is again for every person. We've got to build self-awareness around those lies. It could be something like I'll never get a job or this will never work out.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 18:15

The second reason for the inflation is next, on the room of insecurity, there's a doorway that goes into the basement and this is huge. And when we take things personally, in the basement is the machine of identity, value and worth, and we take things personally. That negative experience is impacting our value and worth. I just had a session this morning with a guy in Ohio that just it was like this was an epiphany for him because he didn't realize how angry he has been towards his wife and family. And then over in the corner in the cellar doors, the is the door trauma.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 18:51

I get big t trauma, little t trauma. Whether it be the big t and a little like you know, veteran stuff or little t trauma is just like a lot of negative events. We've been through that. What happens is we go into a situation and our mental model goes oh no, chris, here we go again. It scoops up that emotion from the past and dumps it. So long answer to your question. Basically, we have to be aware of recognizing we everything, we're trying to achieve it as an emotional goal and guys, we're big on success, we're big on significance. And when those goals are, when that is blocked, whether it be at work or with our spouse, we get inflated because we believe lies about it, take it personally or it reminds us of our past.

Chris Grainger: 19:29

Love it, love it, guys. We're going to take our first break and we'll come back. Keep diving in. With Dr Greg, I've got something big to share. We're making a major shift because we know the battle is real and it's time more men had access to the support they need.

Chris Grainger: 19:45

For too long, guys have been trying to carry the weight alone pressure at work, tension at home, wounds from the past in a world that demands strength but offers no place to rest. We see it, we've lived it, and that's exactly why we built our community. It's a stronghold, a place where warriors can find rest, truth and a band of brothers standing beside them. And starting now, we're making it easier than ever to step in. We've lowered the barrier to just $15.99 a month. That means, for less than the cost of a drive-thru lunch, you can join a brotherhood that's centered on Christ and built for growth. Inside you'll find access to our daily spiritual kickoffs every Monday through Friday, our Lion Lunches, our Bible studies, our Friday Forge gatherings all that and so much more.

Chris Grainger: 20:30

Every man needs a stronghold and you don't have to fight alone. If you've been waiting for the right time to jump in, this is it. Go to thelionwithinS and join the community and see for yourself what happens when iron truly sharpens iron. You know, one of the favorite items of the book that I read was it says the issue isn't what they think of you. The issue is what you think, what you think of you, and being honest with ourselves and digging in that vulnerability and being honest with ourselves and digging in that vulnerability, man, that's that's. That's hard, because you're trying to rewrite that internal story. So how do you, how do you help guys with that piece? Right?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 21:07

So there's three things that are like on the in the insecure checker. And security is like another gal. Y'all remember this one when, when I wrote the story about one gal says Dr Greg, she's pushing my buttons and I said, well, uninstall your buttons. The issue isn't that she's pushing your buttons, the issue is you have buttons to push. Same thing there when there's a name calling that, um, dr Greg, you know she called me this name andI said, well, the issue isn't that she called you that name, the issue is that you agree with her, but you didn't want her to point it out.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 21:36

Okay, so it's that recognition of why do I have these negative emotions? And the big one is defensiveness. And and, and a big one for us guys, right, because when we get defensive, like literally the only reason, it's either you. You're getting defensive because it's either true, but I don't want to own it, or it's not true, but I'm believing it to be true, or or that somebody is trash talking me and I'm believing it to be true, or that somebody is trash talking me and I'm worried about the influence. So, again, what negative emotion we have to label? One is negative emotion is energy Emotion is energy good or bad or good or negative. Secondly is to have the right label. So, like when guys have anger, realizing that anger is always a result of fear, fear hurt. So when I'm getting defensive right, the issue is what I'm thinking about me, right? So I'm afraid of what other people think about me, and so you have to label it right. It's because anger is focused on the outside again, but fear and hurts inside. So it's a matter of just recognizing one. What negative emotion is where I'm feeling? So we walk into them and I say this we got for, this is for everybody. We got to put down the microscope and pick up the mirror and all this is in.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 22:50

Because number three is all negative emotions exposing something in me, and that sounds bad, but I keep trying to convince people that this actually gives you back the power. So my goal in the entire book is to take all power away from the environment and give it back to yourself, right? So part of it is again, I would just say the step is recognize what emotional goal you're trying to achieve. Number two what path are you taking and what path is being blocked? And then figure out the negative emotions and is it really lies I'm believing or is it that I'm taking it personally? It's impacting my value and worth, or is it because of a past experience?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 23:24

It's like, if I may get like really deep in some theology, or so, back in january, chris the lord said, um. He told me, greg, you've never learned how to be a son, right, and I knew it was him because people hearing from God, you know it's the Lord. When you hear a phrase in your mind that you would never say Right, you know that's how you kind of know it's the spirit. So the verse that came to mind this is what just has been I've just been chewing.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 23:50

This is when it says in Hebrews, of Jesus as a son, he learned obedience to the things that he suffered. Okay, now think about each phrase. Now, the things that he suffered. We mainly think of the cross, but it doesn't match the rest of the verse, right? So the suffering is not the cross, the suffering is his life.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 24:09

As a son, he learned process, obedience to the things that he suffered. The suffering is in all these emotional goals, right? So he has overcome the world. What is the world? The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, the pride of life. It's all an emotion. What we want to feel, guys, and for especially those of us who are married, the number one emotional goal we want to feel is to be admired and sexually desired by our spouse, right and when that goal is blocked.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 24:34

So in our process and this is where I think, because I thought okay, how, why did God create marriage the way he did in the family? So you have father, son, holy Spirit, and he duplicated that in the family. So I thought about to myself, as far as when the Lord says you've never learned how to be a son, that I started to say OK, as a son, I need to learn obedience to the things that I'm suffering. My suffering is in the realms of a variety of emotions I want to feel as far as significance, living my values, trying to achieve destiny, calling and purpose. But the anchoring and this is what, so I'm praying to the father, so the way it's supposed to work is in a healthy father-son relationship, that my morality is anchored out of fear, honor and respect of my father, both on earth and in heaven. This is Jesus as a son, he learned obedience.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 25:26

Once that anchoring happens, that keeps our hearts anchored in morality, guys, that, as the Lord, as we pursue destiny, calling and purpose and significance. It's done in a healthy way and we all hate the phrase and I get it, but the whole toxic masculinity comes from what it comes from that your heart is not anchored in morality. And in your pursuit of significance and success you're seeking all these other unhealthy paths like competition Like I can drink more beers than you can drink. You get in competition with your spouse Honor me, I want to be respected. You get in competition with your son, your children, like you insult them, like you're just a boy, right. So that's all a result of not being anchored in morality and pursuing a healthy way. But if it's healthy, then I pursue the significance where I'm secure in my identity, value and worth. And so once I'm secure there, then when I become a father, just like the father did with his son, then all glory goes to my son. So I have twin boys who are 25 and I'm secure enough in my identity, value and worth that all I just, all exaltation. I help them fulfill their destiny, calling and purpose.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 26:44

And here's the other key. The holy spirit, guys, is our wife. It's she's in the home as wife and mother and she talks to us and she's ever present. Right, just like Jesus said that we don't know where the wind blows in the spirit, we don't know, right. And so we, we hear now I tell wives, you gotta be careful, ladies, because they are discerning, right. Women, they, I, they, how about you, chris? They scare me Like it's like so many wives just sense it, they just know, can't tell you. Like you know, I just I've been sensing something, so I just checked his phone, right, it's like, how do you guys know it? Right, well, I have a reason for that. But so, but, guys, when our wives, a spirit of discernment getting over to a spirit of fear, is a spirit of suspicion, now that's what they have to work through.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 27:35

But healthy wives, they throw out to us when we get defensive because we feel like they're trying to control us or attack us. No, so, just like the spirit, don't quench the spirit in your home, don't grieve the spirit. That's her gift and her number one goal is security. So all this plays in together, even theologically, that when it comes to our negative emotions, our identity, value and worth and what God wanted to create in the home. That's why we're a Satan attack in the family, fatherless homes, and then we have sons trying to gain significance right in just all these horrible ways. And if you were saying, what would you do? And it's trying to go after the heart of a man, making him insecure, to make him seek security through competition and through control and power. John Eldredge wrote, while the heart said that our strength is supposed to be on our strength on behalf of others, versus toxic masculinity, is we're using our strength to overpower others.

Chris Grainger: 28:43

Right, and that's the weakness. Do you think that the whole toxic masculinity narrative you know, do you see that getting pushed more and more, particularly within the church, as this? If you just look across the landscape of culture, man, it's out there. I just see that the next big attack it seems to be old men.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 29:01

Right, and it's kind of like a strength a good thing, or a strength taken too far becomes an extreme. So, out of the very legitimate thing, trying to take away toxic masculinity, which is everything on the negative side, like strength to overpower others, which is healthy then they just eradicate all the good components of masculinity. Right and it's just. But we can't do, baby, we can't respond to an extreme with an extreme Right. So it's, yes, there is such a thing as call it whatever you want, but it's not Christlike to overpower others. So we have to make sure that. And again, christian guys I mean, once they get settled in it, they're good. And again, it's only in the extreme side of the church and stuff that we, you know, we appreciate the Holy Spirit in our home. Again, they're one.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 29:49

But we are still men who want to pursue and seek significance, which we should right, like the father and the son, but we have to do it in an anchored way. That's the key. Yeah, but yeah, no, we no, I'm a. I'm a man and I want to be a man. I want to be significant, and there's a lot of good aspects of that, that I'm not going to eradicate my masculinity in order to to honor femininity. That's ridiculous. I want to honor femininity while still being masculine, that's right. But I want to do it in a healthy, mature way.

Chris Grainger: 30:22

I'm super curious for the guys that you've worked with and just from your experiences out there, you know what is the number one negative emotion for men that they struggle with, and is there a common lie that's that's attached to it, that that?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 30:34

you hear, yeah, the number one, a negative emotion. Well, it gets displayed as anger, right, all right, and whether it be externalized or internalized, it's. It's an anger because you know, they use power, right, they use power in order like, and that's what anger is. Anger is a very powerful negative emotion that we use to immediately change the situation, right, so, but it's really, as I'm saying, it's all anger as a result of fear. Right, there's, and I've had guys push back.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 31:03

I said, give me one example, outside of God, of course, that is the anger is not a result of fear, right, it's always fear. So it's fear in what? So, you're, we get angry because we have these block goals, right, and the lie, the lie, is that the thing that we're angry at, that it's all or nothing, right. So, and we don't realize that it's not about what we're angry at, it's that it's blocking an emotional goal too. And the issue is not the negative emotion. Negative emotion is not bad. There is stress in the Garden of Eden. The issue is the quantity, the inflation, right. So all these emotions insecurity, anxiety, fear, worry, anger, depression, depression are good, healthy emotion because they're emotional goals.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 31:55

The issue is not the negative emotion, because in my book I put down get to the point of saying nothing bothers me unless it should. Because what we try and do is like we get up to a eight, nine or ten as far as negative emotion. We try and pull it back. I said try and you know, take out, you know, uninstall your buttons on it, start with nothing bothers me, but unless it should. So I'm not talking about passivity, I'm talking about the right amount of negative emotions. So we burn the energy. That's the way God created us Right amount of negative emotional energy to address it. But when it gets inflated, a lot of times for guys it taking it personally and it's hitting our value and worth.

Chris Grainger: 32:36

That's what I think it is. Got it, got it. Hey guys, we'll take our second break. We'll be right back. Fellas, we're making a big change that I think you're really going to enjoy.

Chris Grainger: 32:45

I spent a lot of time thinking about our spiritual kickoffs and, honestly, I love doing them each week so much so we started doing them live every Monday through Friday inside our exclusive platform, and here's the best part we decided to give full access, completely free, so now you can join our daily spiritual kickoff space at no cost. Every day, we go live to read the word, to encourage each other. Every day, we go live to read the Word, to encourage each other and find simple and powerful ways to apply God's truth to our lives. You'll even have the chance to engage with me directly, and if you missed a live stream, don't worry, the videos are posted the same day so you can catch up whenever it works for you. This is exclusive behind-the-scenes content that is not available anywhere else, and now we've removed every excuse. So if you're ready to get started, head over to the lion withinus and grab your free access today. Let's grow together.

Chris Grainger: 33:50

You know, dr Greg, you talk a lot about. You know, emotion is energy itself and for guys, I just know, for me, at the end of the day, if it's been an emotional day, it just wears you out. It's just like you go running for you know a 10K or something. It wears you at that point. But how can guys redirect that energy towards productivity instead of being destructive, right towards productivity instead of being destructive?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 34:13

Right. So the best way to do it is simply, again, once you recognize when you're negative emotion, it's, think to yourself okay, I have a block goal, like even somebody that cuts me off on the road. There's a block goal. But what's my block emotional goal? Honestly, when somebody cuts me off, it's I want to feel like I can relax on the road and I can do what I want on the road. Right, that's literally what it is. I want autonomy and independence. That's the emotional goal, right.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 34:50

So when it comes to our wives, you know saying something like, you know criticizing about video games or or our jobs or whatever it is, again, it's a blocked goal. But what's the blocked emotional goal? All right, then it's once you recognize that, then you can pinpoint it to what should be different. So what am I? And then what pathway am I taking to try and achieve it? Right? So our I always like when, when our wives, like, ask us how we're feeling and most guys don't have a clue how to answer. That I always encourage wives ask your husbands what is their opinion, all right, then they can tell you what they're feeling. So just recognize it as I have an opinion and then you can talk about emotion, right, but when you feel like your wife is criticizing you about video games and you're defending video games, what's her? So, after we do this, recognize what other people's emotional goals are with our wives. It's not about the video games, guys, it's she wants more time with you. So don't defend video games, don't defend sports. Don't defend video games. You don't defend sports. You don't defend march madness, it's she's not. Well, we often attack the obstacle to our goal, right, so it's not about the video games, or golf or sports or whatever it is, or work, it's just she wants to achieve her goal because she has an emotional goal too. That's valid achieve her emotional goals. So, just recognizing that these negative emotions are pointing to something, and recognize it as rational, healthy, wise or right, right, right, be rational, be logical, be wise, be right.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 36:21

And the biggest thing I can say is just don't let yourself off the hook, cause when I went through this exercise myself again, everything in there is. I said okay, greg, what's being exposed in you? Right, why are you angry? Or then I focus on what I'm angry about, but the next time, wait, greg, don't let yourself off the hook. Why are you so angry? Right, it's that it's like but yeah, I get it because we just bring all this energy on the external party. But why am I so angry? It's because there's something that it's exposing Right, and that's exactly right. So it's exposing something else that, like one time, the Lord revealed to me. It's like, greg, you have envy, and I mean, none of us ever think we've got envy, right, but it is what it is. We do.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 37:10

And when you're honest and open and just don't let yourself off the hook, because that's exactly like we say, we just want to get the stuff out of the way so we can pursue our goal and the Lord's saying, nope, I want you to scoop that up and plop it right between us, because this is where the miracle happens. And it's hard for guys because we don't like exposure, because it makes us feel less significant. But I cannot emphasize enough when I put down that microscope, picked up the mirror and I walked into it and I would not let myself up the hook on the other side, I have never felt so significant, I've never felt so confident, I've never felt so secure. And it's so much easier for me just to own it or agree that yeah, you're right. I mean, it's easy and that piece I have of confidence, because confidence is the number one character trait that attracts one human being to another, and that confidence means that I have just secure.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 38:11

I say confidence is actually arrogance plus humility, right, so right, it's a paradox, right, but I have confidence that I'm very secure in who I am and whatever.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 38:21

But I have humility because in my mental model this is like the chapter on the mental model I have security that I'm blind in areas. Right, right, right, going to people saying, hey, how can I grow? Where am I blind? I don't know if it's true, it's true, I'm never, I'm not afraid of truth anymore, because if it's, you know, the truth shall set you free. I've never been more free because the truth shall set you free. Because when you're that confident, then the things well, my spouse needs to grow too, or my boss needs to grow too, or my boss needs to grow okay. Well, the only way to achieve that is that you're secure enough and you model it before your wife and family in that security and confidence, when you say, hey, you're, you're, we're safe, like I mean, is there anything I need to own? Right, right, because you've asked it so many times, right, and then that kind of forces them to own it too. So you can achieve that goal through the modeling of owning it yourself.

Chris Grainger: 39:15

Okay, you know lots of guys get a chance to talk with them on a regular basis, but many guys feel stuck and when you're stuck, maybe it's anxiety, fear, anger, whatever it may be. You know, a practical getting started can seem so audacious. So how do you help the guys who just you know what I am, what I am and this is this.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 39:36

Just there's no fixing this right one is um, and I got this actually through. There's a program called um, uh, the journey course, and it has to do like, because I I took the course myself to help guys with sexual addiction stuff. So can we just use the phrase that we're all broken, even even like we never are not broken, and because, again, we don't want to think we're broken, because if we're broken that means we're whatever insignificant. I mean, it always comes back to that significance thing, right? So it's just like look, I am broken.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 40:11

Like Romans, chapter 7, the apostle Paul says I don't understand what I do, what I want to do, I do not do, what I hate I do. It's just, it's okay and the Lord knows that we're broken and and that. So this is another key piece. So I'm trying to get. I know I'm hitting foundational. On the practical side. It's like I've said, it's just day to day, negative emotions aren't bad. And then why is it inflated? So that never is going to change.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 40:38

Go after the inflation. The inflation is going to be lies, taking it personally, or bad past experiences, and you got to walk into that stuff and fix it. So that's on a practical basis. There's your answer on a practical basis. What do you do? That's what you do. Right, you've got to walk into it. Right Now I'm trying to go up to the undercurrent stuff of what the Lord sees us as, because it's what. Like you said, the issue isn't what your wife thinks of you. The issue isn't what your wife thinks of you. The issue is not what your boss thinks of you. The issue is what you think of you. You got to go after that.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 41:10

Identity, value and worth, and basically the identity is facts about yourselves and we assign a value and worth. But there's a triangle I talk about in the book where your relationship with the Lord is at the top, because it should be so. Identity, value and worth, basically is this Every human being ever gets their value and worth originally from pursuit by their parents. I mean every human being. It's unavoidable and again, that's the way that God created it, which is supposed to be good. So pursuit by our parents simply means that our parents, like unconditional love, right, helped us recover from failure and taught us how to be successful. Because it's like every child is like mom and dad. I have no freaking clue how to be successful, because it's like every child is like mom and dad. I have no freaking clue how to do this right, right, right, right. So so, but if it's healthy, it's a powerful, like our pastor said that you know, our ceiling is supposed to be our children's floor. That every generation right. So that's good. But obviously when it's an unhealthy process, it's messy. That's what we say of kids. They have a low value worth.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 42:05

So then what gets added to that formula are peers, and then significant others, bosses, coaches, and then it culminates with their spouse. So I say we have to remove every other human being from that formula. That's crucial. So I don't need my wife to pursue or validate me. I don't need her. I want her to right and based on our marriage covenant, she needs to and I need to pursue her.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 42:24

Cool, so it doesn't change expectations. What it changes is a degree of negative impact. It doesn't happen. So I tell guys, you've got to remove every other human being, and they immediately go to well, I don't need to repeat it to pursue me. So they take it from need and they include the want in there. No, it's, you can't do all or nothing. You still want other people to pursue you. That's okay, right, it's just you don't need them to, because that's what relationship relationship is about.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 42:46

That it's like look, I, I, I want note to know that chris, you know, liked my book, right, if he didn't talk to me about it, right? So I want that. She's like I don't care what chris thinks. No, I, I do care what chris thinks. Don't go to the extreme. So we do think what other people are, but it just doesn't impact my value and worth. So we, we try and just like, we just don't ever want to feel insecure again. So we, just I don't care what people think. Well, that's not healthy either, yeah, and it's. And there's a tension, man, you, you gotta exist with being comfortable negative emotions. I do care what you think, chris, right now my value and worth is not bathed in it. But if, if you tell me truth, that truth I need to add to my mental model because it'll only make me better. Right, see, see how this works. It's, it's, we have, it's that deeper stuff. And I I give a lot of techniques in the book on how to deal with the negative emotions, but this book is really especially. My book is the iq for couples. I'm gonna hold it up here iq for couples facing our negative emotions to build intimacy.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 43:48

And we just have to, because in our culture, guys, if you get tired of the pansy, whatever you want to call it in our culture, we have got to model before our culture, because so many people in our culture, especially on the liberal left, they base, base, they want like, no, we gotta, you know, change the environment. So this person feels loved, accepted. Oh my gosh, it's death. It is death the environment. So if we want to say, then don't make the environment be the master of your negative emotions. We've got, I'm on a mission to change this in our culture. It's deadly right. So, in order, we have to model it, because in my introduction I talked about that quote from We've got, I mean, I'm on a mission to change this in our culture. It's deadly right. So, in order, we have to model it. Because in my introduction I talk about that quote from Bill Johnson we cannot impart we do not possess.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 44:33

If you don't want your children to, you know, base their emotional state on the environment. Then they're looking at you as, as dad, is your emotional state contingent upon the environment? Like how well we obey, or do what you want, or how well mom, this, or like what is, how is your emotional intelligence pops Right. So, guys, strength right, it's not external, it's internal strength is maturity. Internal strength is self-awareness. Internal strength is maturity. Internal strength is self-awareness. Internal strength is resiliency. Internal strength is impulse control. Internal strength is confidence and security. Right, that will give you the equipping to have the right amount of negative emotions on the outside.

Chris Grainger: 45:24

Love it, love it. Guys. We're. We'll take our last break. We'll be right back with Dr Greg. Life can feel heavy and too often we try to carry it alone. At the Lion Within Us, we build a Christ-centered community where you can go, connect, grow and be encouraged by brothers who get it. And now joining is easier than ever. We've lowered access to just $15.99 a month. Inside you'll unlock our daily spiritual kickoffs, our Bible studies, lion Lunches, friday Forge and, most importantly, a space to be real. Remember, every man needs a stronghold and you don't have to fight alone. To get started, visit thelionwithinus. We'd love to welcome you in. That's thelionwithinus. I'll see you inside. Well, dr Gray, this has been phenomenal. We always enjoy at the Lion Within us a lightning round towards the end of our conversations, just a fun way for our listeners to know you a little bit more. Are you willing to jump in and have a little fun with us?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 46:32

Let's do it. Yeah, spontaneous, hit me.

Chris Grainger: 46:34

That's it. So what's something that you enjoy doing for fun? Do you have any hobbies? Golf Golfer, okay.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 46:40

Golf Yep, it's golf, right. So I didn't go for like 10 years and my, my pops passed away and we used to golf all the time together. So I made it a mission to decrease my amount of work honestly and then start golfing some more, Cause it's not. I mean, I'm never going to be a professional right, so I'm not going to believe that lie. But the the scenery out there when it's green, I can't wait for the masters, Just it's outdoors, it's quiet and it's just that, that feeling. So golf Yep, Golf's my thing.

Chris Grainger: 47:09

Love it, Love it. How about favorite food? What do you? What do you enjoy?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 47:13

Uh favorite food would be a filet mignon with a crab topping. Oh man, that's a go, I know right, I just made your mouth water, didn't.

Chris Grainger: 47:22

I, that's it. That's it. If you could have a superpower, dr Greg, which superpower would?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 47:32

you pick and how would you use it If I had a superpower? Read minds. If I could read minds, I wouldn't use it for my selfish gain. I'd read people's minds to help them be honestly, help them be free. I'm not being help them be free. There you go. That's it.

Chris Grainger: 47:49

That's it. If you looked at the last year of your life, Dr Greg, what would you spend too much time doing? Anything come to mind?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 48:02

Boring, yeah, yeah. So there here, here's the author's hypocrisy. Right? So, because I wrote the book, the lord, like, led to write the books and that that's just the success of the books, right? So just my, you know, I've there's always exposure of having my, my significance tied to success. Right, so it's that? Because I can't tell you real quick, chris, how many guys come to me. They are trying to figure out their mission, destiny, calling and purpose Significance and they're trying to figure out their paths to it Mine too, right? So I'm still looking for significance and I can't interpret the Lord's blessing or anything based on significance, because this is the path I want Lord you significance, because I, this is the path I want Lord you to bless for me to feel significant. And we got to be, we got to be open about the paths anyway. So so, yeah, I spent too much time tying, worrying about the success of the books being tied to my significance. There you go, okay any new habits?

Chris Grainger: 48:57

you started recently are we always looking for tips for guys, just anything that it's you find useful.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 49:03

Yeah, so I would say the that got back into believe it or not. Finding some ways like either like audio books, yeah, when I work out, okay, right, so spending when I work out, listen to audio books, not music or anything, and I've been smuggling through books.

Chris Grainger: 49:18

Yep, I'm curious, do you listen to one time speed? Do you speed it up or like what? No, I speed it up. Right, I try it like one and a half. One and a half, that's my sweet spot too, yeah, yeah.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 49:29

Yeah, one, one speed, one is just too slow and it's just like oh my gosh, let's go Cause I mean, based on how quickly we talk, I think we talk and we can, you know, absorb, that's it, that's it.

Chris Grainger: 49:43

Yeah, it's very simple but deep question here what's your favorite thing about god?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 49:49

um, his goodness and I I say that because it's so much faith does not believe. I actually believe faith does not believe in that god is powerful. It's believing that he is good, right, and then somebody else, like he's always in a good mood, right, that when we approach him, seeing him as like, as he's good, and that he's in a good mood, he's, he's like the perfect fiance, like he's he's the perfect person. That when we walk into his presence, he's excited to see us, right, right, he's excited, like he goes, let's talk. It's never guilt and condemnation. He wants, he's ready to forgive and he wants to bless us. Now he's guys, he's holding on to our next blessing and just like a dad, he can't wait to give it to us. But if he gave it to us right now it hurt us. He wants us to mature. So he is good. He's a great, great dad. That's it.

Chris Grainger: 50:44

That's it now. Let's flip it 180. What's your least favorite thing about the evil? One Least favorite thing?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 50:49

about the evil one, how selfish he is. He's just so bent on taking glory from God Because you see that selfishness in our culture. They're so emotional and so selfish that they just want to be right. It's just selfish man.

Chris Grainger: 51:09

That's it. That's it. The last question for our lightning round is what do you hope the guys remember the most from our conversation, dr Greg?

Dr. Greg Stewart: 51:19

Put down the microscope and pick up the mirror.

Chris Grainger: 51:22

That's it. That's a line right there. That is awesome. Where do you want to send the guys to get a copy of your books to connect with you? I don't know if you have any social media platforms or anything like that.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 51:32

Yeah, it's all connected to drgregstewartcom. I mean my books, social media links, all that jazz. So it's D-R-G-R-E-G-S-T-E-W-A-R-T, all one word DrGregStewartcom. Everything's there, all right.

Chris Grainger: 51:46

And we'll make sure that stuff is synced up in the show notes for you listeners out there. So, Greg, this has been a phenomenal conversation. Thank you for coming over and sharing.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 51:58

Anything else you'd like to share today, Just that I'll be going on a cruise with my wife in a couple weeks and my next book is IQ for Leaders. So I have iCubed, iCubed for Couples next book coming out, hopefully this fall is iCubed for Leaders.

Chris Grainger: 52:05

Awesome, awesome. Well, enjoy the cruise.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 52:08

Hopefully the writing goes well.

Chris Grainger: 52:10

And thank you so much for your time.

Dr. Greg Stewart: 52:11

My honor sir. Thank you so much, chris. Yes, sir.

Chris Grainger: 52:17

Most men are fighting battles. No one sees Strained marriages, silent wounds, pressure to lead without a place to rest. That's why we created our community to help build, strength, sharpen and support brothers just like you. And now it's even easier to join than ever. We've lowered access to just $15.99 a month. Immediately, you'll get our daily spiritual kickoffs, our Bible studies, lion Lunches, friday Forge and so much more. Every man needs a stronghold and you don't have to fight alone.

Chris Grainger: 52:51

Join today at thelionwithinus that's thelionwithinus and get started today. All right, guys, that was a fun one. I told you for sure, dr Greg, he goes deep. He's just a super intelligent guy. Hopefully you were sure, dr Greg, he goes deep, he's just a super intelligent guy. Hopefully you were encouraged by that Question of the week. This week is what's burning in your heart that you've been too afraid to say Because he talks so much about the mirror. Now, there's one thing about pulling a mirror out. There's another thing to actually look into the doggone thing, right.

Chris Grainger: 53:19

So I'd encourage you, if you're struggling with knowing you know what, really what to do next, connect with us at the Lion Within Us. We're here. We have guys within our community, within our mastermind groups, that we're ready to serve. We're ready to help you wherever you are on this journey and to speak truth, to speak life, to speak encouragement, and not just be another bunch of yes men that you have, because you know you have too many of those in your life. We want to surround you with biblical truth, encouragement that you need specifically, the brotherhood that you need. All right.

Chris Grainger: 53:54

So I want to ask go to thelionwithinus, because we've changed so much, fellas. So much has changed on the website. So much has changed in the way that we're trying to serve others. And if you haven't visited the site in a while, just take a couple minutes. Take a couple minutes over there. Maybe you want to do the Christian leader assessment. Connect with us for our weekly roar. We get a ton of great insight and encouragement from that each and every week. So that's just a small way we try to equip and help you in your walk. So, fellas, that's what it's all about. We're here to help, we're here to serve, we're here to connect. Thelionwithinus is where you do it at All right, so come back on Friday for our fun Friday episode. Look forward to hanging out with you then. And look, just keep unleashing the lion within.